aurabble | IC Inbox ☽☽ genessia

Do you like kittens?

?

Yeah?

Dave and I adopted one. If you wanted to meet him I think he'd like you quite a bit.

Jefferson

Right now?

But I was a jerk.

Only if you want to, Jaune. How you acted before doesn't change that I care about you.

I don't know what I want anymore. But I don't want to be alone.

I'm sorry.

I want to see him. If I can.

From where I'm standing it looks like you just found two things you want.

I forgive you, kid. There was never a chance I wouldn't.

Then you should come. I might miss you a little bit.

I don't deserve a dad like you.

I meant brodad

You know what I meant.

Don't know why. I'm not doing anything else that can't wait. See you soon.

[ Dad.

That word caught him completely off guard. If it wasn't right there in front of him he would have thought it was his mind playing tricks on him, but -- ... was it a slip up or did Jaune actually feel that way? Jefferson sort of hoped that he meant it. No, he really hoped that he meant it. ]

Right. Of course I know what you meant.

... maybe it can be a quick soon?

Right.

It can be. I mean I'll still have to walk, but I'm heading out right now.

[He did mean it. That's part of what terrifies him. He doesn't want to lose someone else important to him. He doesn't want to lose family. Talking himself into it probably takes longer than Jefferson wants. He knows Jefferson forgave him, but he's still nervous about how he'll react. When he does reach Jefferson's apartment, he stands outside the door for a few minutes before finally knocking. His throat feels constricted and he's not sure if he'll be able to say anything.]

Edited 2016-09-06 04:47 (UTC)

[ What Jaune had said was rolling around in his head the entire time he waited. At first he tried to distract himself by attempting to read the network but nothing really sunk in so he gave up and started pacing. He was nervous too. What if he screwed everything up because he was already way too emotional?

The knock on the door made him look over and freeze, but within seconds he was undoing the locks. He swung the door open, his eyes immediately locking with Jaune's. He hesitated for only a moment before reaching over and pulling the boy into a hug. It was too much too soon, maybe, but he couldn't stop himself. ]

I thought... I didn't think you'd let me see you again.

[ It wasn't until his voice came out so weakly that he realized he was tearing up. ]

[Counting the seconds in his head, Jaune began to regret his decision. This was a mistake. He had pushed Jefferson away just like the way that had hurt him so much in the past. He should just go. Which would hurt Jefferson worse? Letting him down, again, or potentially letting him down in the future?

He flinched when the door opens, but it's not so much at Jefferson as facing him after their argument. Jaune never minded emotional. He'd rather Jefferson express whatever is on his mind than bottle everything up. He knew how unhealthy that was. There was a clear, noticeable fear and regret in his stare. Suddenly any apology, any nervous rambling was harder to form than he'd hoped.]

Jefferson, I--

[Suddenly he was being pulled into a hug and with a sharp inhale, attempted and failed to get himself to stop shaking in the hug. It wasn't the first hug he had in a while, but coming from Jefferson it still caught him off guard. The words stung like white hot pinpricks down his arms, but he knows he deserved it. It had been pretty obvious Jefferson had been hurt by the way he had acted toward him. Jaune didn't know to what extent, but he wished he could make up for it.

He tried numbing himself for so long, and while he wasn't always entirely successful at it, he could manage the illusion. Sometimes. The people he loved keep igniting emotions he didn't think he could be capable of feeling anymore. It was a little painful, but not in the same way losing Pyrrha had been. He tried to respond, to reassure him, but he just ended up bursting into quiet tears as he returned the hug and cried more violently than he had in a while.]

[ Jefferson had considered that Jaune might not show up in the same way he'd come to terms with the very real possibility that he could have chosen not to respond to his text. But he had responded and he had shown up. He was there. He'd seen that look in Jaune's eyes and it had only propelled him to further to wrap his arms around him and try to the best of his ability let him know he didn't have to be alone. He'd wanted to do the same thing a week ago, but... now the action had even more meaning.

The shaking broke his heart, but he didn't let go. He wouldn't let go until Jaune did. ]

I know. [ The apology didn't have to be verbal. Jefferson could feel it, and that was what mattered. ] I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have been so --

[ Forceful. Forceful was what he'd wanted to say, but when Jaune held on to him and began crying he squeezed him gently before guiding him back just slightly so he had room to shut the door with the tip of his boot. People didn't need to see what was happening. Tears of his own began trailing down his face, but they weren't entirely sad. He hated that Jaune had been broken down so much that he had to weep over it, but selfishly he was relieved that they could be together. ]

I've got you, son. I've got you.

[ Jefferson was so preoccupied in trying to comfort him that he hadn't even realized what he'd just called him. ]

[Why was he apologizing? Jefferson had done nothing wrong in that instance. He had been upset, but he had every right to be. The right words wouldn't immediately come to him, leaving him only feeling guiltier. He didn't let go, hugging onto him even more tightly as if to try and convince himself that he was really there and he wouldn't suddenly disappear.

He hated having to rely on others. People had always seen him as weak, and lately that felt more true than ever. But he allowed himself to trust and rely on Jefferson this time. He heard the door shut behind him, and was grateful for him, even if he didn't comment on it. What had he done to deserve Jefferson to stick around unconditionally, when all he had ever done was either act stupid in front of him or lately verbally attack him? It didn't feel fair or right to Jefferson. He had lost his family before, and he had died too. Grief wasn't something that could be quantified or compared, but Jaune wasn't oblivious to the fact that Jefferson had been hurting. He had been so stupid, focused only on what was hurting him.

...Had he misheard him? Second-guessing wasn't enough to stop the shock, before a light feeling of warmth settled, tremors beginning to subside a little. He didn't comment on it. Some things could remain unsaid. But he couldn't not apologize to him after what he had done. His voice was raw, clearly still fragile, and there were stray tears, but he let his words spill out even if they were an emotional mess.]

Jefferson, I'm so-- I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said all those awful things and you absolutely didn't deserve that. I was... I was being stupid. I still am. I meant what I said; I don't deserve to have you around. I don't deserve such a great dad. I've been thinking about it a lot this past week. I knew you would keep your word, but I should have messaged you first because you put up with a lot and I made you sad and I just. I wanted to let you know that.

[ Jefferson couldn't help but feel guilt of his own. He'd wondered constantly during that long week if he had gone too far or been too harsh, because the truth of it was that he had never needed to level like that with a kid before. He couldn't think of a single time in his life that Grace had raised a fuss about anything. Most of the time it seemed like she had things more figured out than he did. The need to be firm with kids, his own or otherwise, had never really arisen until recently. And trying to get people to believe when they stubbornly wouldn't... that never brought out his best side.

Maybe they'd both pushed a little too hard.

Of course Jaune's words had hurt and trying to convince himself to not take them personally was nearly impossible, but Jefferson did know grief. He knew loss. There were few people from any land or world that could handle that rationally. In the end it had made him question his place more than ignite anger or an unwillingness to be forgiving. But feeling that shaking begin to stop, feeling Jaune's arms around him... it felt like the right place after all.

He wiped at the wetness on his face with the back of his hand before pulling back a bit, but he didn't let go. He just wanted Jaune to see his face so he could know he was honest about what he was going to tell him. ]

Kid... [ He moved his hands from Jaune's back to his upper arms. ] I forgive you. Something horrible happened and things didn't go like they were supposed to but the fact that you're here now -- that you're brave enough to face me and tell me those things? That's the sign of a good heart. So... don't question rather you deserve what you already have, because if you really -- if you really think of me that way then... [ He finally broke their eye contact, looking downward. ] The privilege of being anything like a father to you makes how I felt before feel like nothing compared to how much that means to me right now.

[In a way, Jaune needed someone to just be honest with him. Weiss always was, but she was a friend, and he couldn't depend on her that way. Lately, many adults treated him like a joke, like his experiences weren't valid. As if he hadn't been murdered and had friends murdered as well. He had Blaine too, but the way he helped was different. Blaine didn't act concerned when he drank and Jaune needed that as well. He was better off than a lot of students at Beacon regarding his parents, but even they tended to gloss over his ideas and thoughts. He couldn't remember actually being seriously scolded. Not like he was a nuisance, but like Jefferson was worried. He didn't know how to deal with it, but it was proof Jefferson cared. That meant more to him than he could articulate.

He didn't feel like he had to act a certain way to anyone anymore but when it came to hurting the people important to him, he just ended up feeling worse. His hands tightened as he started to pull away; it was an unconscious reaction out of fear that he didn't notice.]

[He listened, his eyes still red from crying, anxious and a little incredulous. He wasn't sure if he had a good heart--or if having one mattered much if it couldn't protect others. But he knew Jefferson had a good heart and that he meant what he said. He wasn't invincible or perfect but he respected him because he was always honest and owned up to his faults.] ...The same goes for you. Not the father part. The privileged part. I know I say stupid things sometimes, but I mean what I said. Maybe that isn't fair, but I hope you can believe that. I don't...I don't want to be isolated.

[ Just because he'd moved a bit it didn't mean he was going to let go of Jaune anytime soon. Jefferson had never been very good with giving people personal space to begin with, but after ages and ages of no one to have contact with he couldn't help but show affection and offer comfort in that way. He wasn't completely sure if Jaune's physical reaction was because he wanted him to let go or because he didn't want him to, but he made the choice to keep things as they were for that moment.

They likely both looked a bit like messes, but the emotion on Jaune's face invoked even more sympathy from Jefferson. He didn't have to verbalize his doubts and worries, because he knew they existed. Plenty of those two things was another thing they held in common. ]

Luckily for you I say stupid things all the time.

[ He smiled gently, reassuringly, as he squeezed one of his arms. ]

I can believe just about anything, Jaune. As for being isolated... as long as you'll let me I'll do whatever I can to be sure that doesn't happen. Alright?

Stop trying to one-up me. [He admonished quietly. It was a sad attempt to fall back on normal humor, but Jefferson was right: They both looked like messes. He didn't like crying like that in front of others, but Jefferson had clearly needed it too and he was still hurting too much to care. He believed Jefferson would do anything in his power to stay and that's what made it so hard. He wished he could let himself be reassured. He was calmer now, blinking back a few stray tears and standing there quietly.

It felt okay to be quiet. Finally, he added, almost ashamed:]

I almost did something really stupid. It might have been pointless, I might have-- I would have died or something similar if I had gone through with it, but it was a goal. It was a way to stay focused. Now I--I don't know. I don't want to go anywhere; what did you and Dave name your cat?

[ He could tell that Jaune was trying to make the situation a little less tense, so he responded simply by teasingly ruffling the boy's hair a bit. Things weren't okay just yet, but that was something he was willing to wait for. There really wasn't such a thing as completely okay, but if Jaune could get a little closer to that point it would be a pretty good start. Jefferson was fine with the silence lasting as long as it felt right, but the eventual admission brought a particularly thoughtful look to his face. There was his usual concern mixed in, but more than anything else his expression held a firm resolve. ]

We'll find a new goal then. Just not right now.

[ And that was all he was going to say on the subject. Unpleasant things came up with Dave often enough that he knew what was appropriate to delve into and what was best left unspoken unless the other person wanted to pursue it. His visage turned softer when asked about the cat. That was technically the point of this visit, wasn't it? ]

His name is Kitkat. I didn't have anything to do with choosing it. It was all Dave.

[Normally, he might have objected, made a displeased face, smacked his hand away--something to show he was trying to act like the tough 18 year old he wanted to be seen as. Instead, he just blinked, stunned Jefferson had decided to do that.]

Yeah. Not now.

[Jaune hadn't been okay for a while, but he had started trying again. Now, he didn't think he could even attempt that. People were worried about him and wanted him to be okay, but how could he be okay when he was struggling with the most basic tasks and interactions? Just allowing himself to care was a challenge. Right now, it was the only one he was willing to face. He didn't want to do anything else.

There was no change in his demeanor, but seeing Jefferson looking so fond over the cat made him feel a hint of warmth. It was nice to witness.]

I'm a hundred and five point seven certain that Dave could name anything.

[ Honestly, he was glad Jaune didn't put up a fuss. The kid may as well realize then and there that Jefferson didn't hesitate on showing affection in a variety of ways. Including possibly annoying ways.

He couldn't know what Jaune was thinking, but he did know that what he was facing wasn't in any way simple or easy to brush out of the way. Moving forward when losing love is the most harsh challenge any person could face. Most people didn't manage it, either. There was always a part of you looking back. All he could do was to continue to hope that Jaune would find the right path and do what he could to stay by his side on the way. ]

Probably so. [ He only realized that he and Jaune were still holding onto one another when he attempted to turn to look for the little black bundle of energy. ] You did want to see him, right? Unless standing here like this was your actual plan. [ There was just a small teasing air to his voice. ]

Uhm. Yeah. I don't have a plan. [His words were awkward, lacking in emotion. He didn't really want to pull away, but Jefferson was right. He couldn't just stand there indefinitely.]

I want to see him. Go ahead. [Go ahead and pull away, Jefferson. He wasn't being clingy or anything. He found that his arms were unwilling to move, seemingly locked where they were, but he scanned the room anyway for any other sign of movement.

My plan only got as far as if you like cats or not. [ He looked a little sheepish for admitting as much, but there was still a slight upward curve to his lips. ] Good thing I knew you'd say yes.

[ He regarded Jaune for a moment longer. It would be more or less impossible not to notice how he hadn't made a move yet. Did he want Jefferson to take the first step away or did he want him to stay where they were a little longer? Maybe it was both or neither. He did keep saying he didn't know. Compromise, then.

Jefferson did move, but just to Jaune's side. He still had one hand on his arm when he called for the kitten. Just once was all it took for the little guy to bound out of the room he'd been in and come running as fast as his tiny legs would go. He stopped a foot or so short, wide eyes looking from Jefferson and then to Jaune and back to Jefferson again. ]

Come here, Kitkat. [ He didn't have much of a choice since Jefferson was easily able to pick him up with just one hand. There was a little mreow in protest, but once he was situated in the crook of Jefferson's arm his attention went back to the stranger in the house. ]

Kit, this is Jaune. He's family too. Give him a chance, huh? [ He winked at the cat as if they'd just shared some kind of hidden message before propping him up a little higher. The kitten still looked curious but not so apprehensive. ] Jaune, say hi.

Is it a plan if you know exactly how it's going to turn out? It sounds more like a decision to me. [He might have been teasing him. His inflection didn't change much. Either way, he was grateful for his plan.]

[He found himself starting to tense involuntarily as Jefferson withdrew from the hug. He held his breath and only found himself able to think again when he stopped at his side. It was okay.

It was okay.

Something like a delighted gasp escaped his lips when he saw the tiny fluffy furball. He had a ghost of a smile and he waited patiently for Jefferson to encourage him, covering his face with his free hand when he heard their conversation.]

Hi Kitkat.

[To be honest, he was probably more nervous than the cat. He wanted him to like him. He wanted to do this right. Keeping his eyes a few inches past Kitkat, he extended his index finger within scent-distance for him to investigate him if he wanted to.]

I guess the plan was to make a decision. Or I made the decision to make a plan. Something like that.

[ He took it as permission to tease back. If Jaune had wanted to keep things completely serious they would still be that way. The tension in the boy had Jefferson reassuringly rubbing his arm for a few moments but he wasn't going to make a big deal of it. Admittedly, he was glad that the small animal had seemed to have drawn his thoughts away from unpleasant things for the time being.

Kitkat only looked at the stranger's finger at first, but after some seconds he reached forward with his paw and pulled it forward. After only the briefest moment of investigation he decided that Jaune's finger looked like an excellent thing to chew on. ]

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