aurabble | IC Inbox ☽☽ genessia

What you did was wholly unacceptable and I'm not comfortable with it.

However, I'm aware that you wouldn't have done something like that if you weren't affected by what was going on. Sun was a vampire and if I hadn't offered myself to him, I don't know what he would've done for blood then. He was already worried he was going to hurt me even when I offered.

Taking that into consideration, you had different needs and no one who could offer a way to sate them. You were starving, in a manner of speaking, and you still managed to stop yourself before you accomplished any irreparable damage. That means even with the girl you liked (me) before that basically at your mercy because you instinctively used your succubus abilities and made me believe I was having a consensual sex dream about you, you still chose to do the right thing in the end.

Even if I'm not comfortable with what happened, I understand why it did and I want to try to forgive you.

Please understand that I'm not going to just suddenly be OK with what happened. You violated my trust in a significant manner then didn't tell me what happened until months after. I thought I subconsciously believed that even the one person who liked me no matter what I did wouldn't even touch me in my dreams. You made me feel bad about myself on top of violating my trust, which I'm sure wasn't your intent but it was a consequence of your actions.

But... I do consider you a friend and I want to try to move forward. Consider us back on speaking terms as long as you accept and respect how I feel.

Weiss.

I'm so sorry. And I'm not saying that because I hope you'll forgive me. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, or your friendship. To be honest, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. You're right that wasn't my intent. I want you to feel good about yourself, and I don't deserve your trust, but you deserve to be able to trust other people.

Maybe it would have been best if you hated me.

I don't know. Is there anything I can do to try and start to make it up to you?

Edited 2017-03-26 06:12 (UTC)

I had a consensual and enjoyable one night stand with Mercury Black when I was split into two people because that part of me believed I deserved to not feel like I didn't deserve to be close to anyone and he was there.

I suspect that knowledge and not being able to talk about it or behave angry or jealous about it, not even with Mercury, ought to be punishment enough. Show me I can trust you again.

[ She knows that's going to hurt him. She knows. It's part of why she never told anyone before this because it's not something that's really anything to be proud of. But she's not wrong that he can manage to prove that she can trust him if he can overcome that, particularly given how he acts like a protective puppy over her sometimes. ]

[It does hurt, more deeply than she probably knows. It's a good thing this is over text. It allows him to not show his reaction. He understands what she's doing and the significance of it. He has no right to talk. It still stings though. For the first time in the past few weeks, he wishes he could drink something.]

Fair enough.

I played a part in that. I'm sorry.

Since we're talking about this right now anyway, is there anything else you want to add?

Find someone else to have feelings for. I don't care what it is you have to do to get over me, do it. There's clearly nothing I can do and given what happens when you get even the slightest amount of powers to do something about it, you barely controlled yourself and I'm not comfortable being in that position. And don't say you don't still have feelings for me; you do. No one waxes poetic about a person glowing in the nightlight and thinks about beauty marks between a person's legs if they don't still feel something for them. I thought I was OK with it as long as you understood that I wasn't going to return those feelings, but I'm not anymore. So ask for help, get a therapist, whatever it is you need to do.

Maybe I shouldn't have feelings for anyone. I've met a couple of people lately and it's been fun, I went ahead with it because they made me feel like I was a worthwhile person, that I was smart and not a failure, and we're here right now and we might not be here when we wake up. But they're too good for me. So are you. I'm not getting a therapist when the one person to suggest it refuses to get help, no offense, but I'll do something. I already know that there's no one for me on Remnant. That's okay...some people, like Ren and Nora, are luckier. I'm happy for them and happy for you and Sun. I guess. I'm happy for you. I won't lie about Sun to you.

I'm not over you but visiting the Dream Docks taught me there are more important things than being with the person you want to be with because it doesn't always work out that way. Life keeps moving forward and I don't want to be the one person who doesn't. I just need to reflect on that.

I hope you know I'd always fight for you. I'm not mad. But I think I should take a step back from my job and volunteer position, temporarily. Also I yelled at the General guy but it turns out he's pretty cool.

I am getting help. I don't think I could've said I want to forgive you otherwise considering our relationship has continually been a struggle of me saying no and you either ignoring me or pretending to respond appropriately while not changing your attitude internally.

Nothing ever works out the way you want it to, but when you stop trying that's when you've given up on your own happiness and that's not healthy. I never thought I'd actually be saying that I want to stay here over going home and not because I have anxiety about what's back there but because I feel like that isn't me anymore. The person who exists here, this Weiss? I only exist here. Maybe I'll die tomorrow, but I'm not going to keep living my life as if the morning doesn't matter. It does. This life does matter to me, no matter what I've lost or what mistakes I've made. There's a lot I've gained that I wouldn't have back home. I've grown in ways I never possibly could have and I've built relationships with people that anyone back in Remnant would look at me like I'm insane for having.

I'm a leader. I may not be a singer here anymore, but I make music. I'm independent. I can take care of myself and I actually have a place and people I consider home. I've worked so hard and made my mark on this world in ways that I hope will be remembered long after I'm gone. For the first time in a long time, I feel confident in myself and what I'm doing. I've felt happy recently.

Don't tell me you won't seek help because of something you think I haven't done. You don't get to put the fact that you won't get help on me.

You probably don't want to hear this, but since I've gotten here you've been the one constant in everything else that's gone wrong or that I've lost.

Pyrrha left once. She's back here and I'm not sure if that's better or worse, but she isn't here in the same way...everyone else is. And you've changed and we've both been damaged in ways that can't be fixed, but you're still here. It's not the only reason but I think that's part of why I haven't gotten over you. I'm not saying it's healthy or okay. I just wanted you to know it's part of why. I've tied so much of my life into our friendship. What I do to pay the bills, who I choose to talk to, how I choose to fight.

I'm glad you're better off here but I'm not sure if I am. It's kind of hard to judge considering the state of our world there and everything going on here. I have a family that I love here that I can't imagine losing. But as for why I do anything? I don't know anymore. I never thought this far ahead. I didn't even think I'd make it to this point. Everyone else is finding something and I thought I did but maybe it was just another form of shielding myself from the truth.

I think I need to be alone, and I need to do something drastic, until I figure it out. When everyone was split, that side of me made me realize that I'm not as good a person as I pretend to be. As you thought I was before you found out. I'm sorry about what I said and getting defensive. You've done too much for me so I need to start doing more myself, but for myself, because it's not fair to you.

Edited 2017-03-26 08:15 (UTC)

Do what you have to do then. Let me know when you've figured yourself out and then maybe we can work on repairing our friendship.

One second you said you were willing to try and now you make it sound like you probably won't.

Which is it, Weiss? I know I don't deserve a second chance, or third, but I need to know.

I literally just agreed with you that you should do what you have to do and then when you get back, we can work on it! It's the same as it was before, except now I'm asking that you solve your issues before constantly blaming me for them. I've been here since the beginning for everyone from our world except for Sun. Somehow they don't have the same problems detaching themselves from me. So forgive me if your reasoning that I helped you and tried to be friends with you despite everything isn't acceptable to me as a reason for why you can't get help.

Constantly blaming you. I haven't blamed you for anything since I got the antidote. I've been dating. I almost felt like a normal person. I'm screwed up Weiss, I get it, I get that you think that but I said I was sorry and I said I was going to get help so was there anything else you wanted?

I'm trying. I don't know what else to do except maybe just stay away altogether. I'll do that if you want to but I need to know.

Okay, you didn't blame me, but you accredited my presence and actions to why you don't need to seek professional help and why you can't get over me.

But that's beside the point right now. If you're going to get help, maybe we should just.. spend a little less time together. Once you figure out what you need to figure out, then we'll see about rebuilding our friendship. Until then.. well, let's try to start as coworkers.

Sure, Weiss.

IC Inbox ☽☽ genessia

after a month and five days, she finally texts him a huge wall of text.

yes send him all the walls

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