[She's outright smiling fondly, a soft expression.]
When I was eighteen, I was brought to Emperor Toba's court. Well, he had retired, so the real emperor was his son, Konoe, but since Konoe was so young, Toba had the real power... Ah, but you don't need to care about the politics.
Emperor Toba had heard about me, you see. I'd already built up a reputation! He called for a poetry recital, and... Well, there was some incidents, but I impressed him. In fact, I wowed him so much that he gave me a new name, and made me his personal consort. No longer Mizukume, I had been named Tamamo-no-Mae, and was serving the Emperor himself. It was love at first sight for both of us, it seemed.
... I spent about a year that way. I was foolishly in love, and he loved me as well. There was always some political problems, of course, Toba always had a habit of doting too much on those he cared for, and giving little attention to those he didn't. But it didn't concern me, since I was part of the first group. As his consort, as a courtesan, I polished my skills and knowledge, until I was the center of it all... I especially liked our talks on philosophy. It was so much fun to turn everyone's expectations and preconceptions on their heads, you know?
[She takes a drink herself, steeling herself for the next part, but her voice doesn't waver.]
Then, one day, I woke up, and realized my head felt... heavier. I had grown these adorable fuzzy ears, and didn't understand it.
[She's right about the politics, but he thinks he understands loving someone. Being so attached to someone you can't imagine life without them. Too much has been left unsaid for him to label what he feels as love. But he still thinks he has some idea of how happy she was.
He feels a deep sinking feeling when she talks about the ears and buries his face in his palms.]
No, no. Rather... I hid them. I freaked out, you know? It was like being the heroine of a comic book, or something. I was all, "no way, do I really have fox ears growing out of my head?!" I hid them under a veil over my hair and my robes kept my tail from showing, and I hid myself in the corner of the court. I just said I wanted to read these scrolls, so I was mostly left alone... I got away with it for about a month.
... It was around the time I discovered my ears that Emperor Toba fell ill. So, since I became so withdrawn at the same time... Well, everyone assumed I was just upset that Toba wasn't around. And they weren't wrong, exactly, you know? At a moment like that, all anyone would want would be to be comforted by their love, right? But without him around, I hid it, telling no one.
[She laughs a little, hiding her nervousness with a smile. It's hard to talk about what happened next, but she owes it to Jaune after jerking him around so much.]
But a month passed like that, and Emperor Toba wasn't getting any better. So they called a diviner in, to determine the source of his illness.
[He moves his hands away, glancing over at Caster while she talks. He's never been good at hiding how he feels, and he almost looks hurt when she explains that she hid them. She was in a situation that possibly no one could understand, and she probably needed time to process is. But if Toba really loved her, wouldn't he try to help and be there for her?
But no happy endings begin with anyone falling ill. He looks like he's trying very hard to not look upset and worried, but is failing.]
What was the source? [Please don't say herself please don't say herself.]
[What she isn't saying is that she wouldn't have told him anyway. She was scared, absolutely terrified, waiting for the moment he condemned her as a demon.
But she doesn't dwell on that right now.]
The true source was that he was human. Humans are beings that fall ill. That is simply a fact of life.
... But it didn't matter. Because that man... Abe no Seimei, the diviner, appeared. He was gorgeous, but his soul as as black as the underworld... He was a half-fox himself, so he was able to easily expose my identity. He showed my ears to them all, and decried me as the source of the illness, that I was a fox demon... Man, what an uproar that was! I had to escape in a hurry after that.
[She laughs about it now, but at the time, she was terrified. Scared, confused, and alone, suddenly no longer human, waiting and afraid of being found out, and never being able to escape this nightmare... Her prayers were never answered. And then, she was exposed.]
I fled all the way to Nasu. There, all the foxes gathered around me, trying to be comforting... "You've come a long way", "what a rough journey you've had", things like that. I'm grateful for their feelings, but I wish they would have been a little more encouraging... You know, "you'll find a nicer guy soon", something like that? But it was then I remembered everything, and realized who I truly was.
[Her smile, and her cheerful facade, all of it slips for a moment.]
I am a fox, you know. Or... No, a fox is good enough, you don't need a primer on Buddhist symbolism.
[Honestly, that's a long and weird story.]
I was. A goddess wishing to serve people? Wishing to become human? It was a foolish notion. Humans don't want either of those things, after all. They desire a far-off idol, that they can push their wishes and blame upon...
[She shakes her head.]
But that is a digression. It was when I tried to rest at the plains of Nasu that the army caught up with me. Eighty thousand soldiers came at me, screaming, "Kill the fox demon!", brandishing all sorts of weapons. I tried to talk and apologize, but no one would listen, so I was all, "All right then, let's do this!", and... Well, I went a little overboard, and killed them all without letting even one escape.
[She grows a bit more melancholy, taking a sip of her wine.]
... I regretted it, of course, almost immediately. And so I stayed there, and when the second army showed up, I tried again to talk it out. I hadn't meant to fool anyone, so just forget about me and I'll leave, I told them... Well, it didn't much matter. It rained arrows for three straight days and nights there. All I could do was stand there.
That was when I realized the true depths of my foolishness... The humans I had admired and wished to be like were so different from what I had imagined. They were hateful, narrow-minded, self-righteous... But at the same time, so fragile and precious. I had been wrong from the beginning, after all. There is no way for a human to become a god... And the opposite is true, too. A god may never become human.
... And so, I obediently let myself be exterminated. At twenty years old, Tamamo-no-Mae was killed screaming, as Miuranosuke's enchanted arrow found my neck.
[Jaune may wish to take notice of that little fur choker she always wears around her neck.]
Well, after that, I was so confused and desperate to not leave the humans I so loved that I ended up haunting a boulder for a while, and the poison of my grudge killed anyone who came near, but that isn't really relevant. A monk named Gennou came by and saved my soul, allowing me to pass on, where the World and the Moon Cell removed my soul from transmigration and set it aside as a Divine Spirit... I intentionally reduced my power by cutting off eight of my tails to be a normal, human-like Heroic Spirit instead, though.
[She's more or less babbling now, just going on to try to lighten the mood from how her story- her life- ended.]
But you-- [How does he say this without being rude? Might as well be blunt.] You have human, or goddess features. So it's not weird to hear you talk.
[The silence on Jaune's end says more than any words could, and he deliberately turns his head so she can't see his face. He wasn't sure what he had imagined when she confessed to killing so many people.
He hadn't imagined a war against one single person because of a stupid misunderstanding. He hadn't imagined this.
Caster doesn't need to see the tears threatening to spill, though it's harder to hide the way he grits his teeth, trying not to acknowledge a deeper, more poisonous anger on her behalf and everyone else who's died who didn't deserve it. He scrubs the heels of his palms to his eyes and slumps, looking like he's doing everything just to hold it together. He still hears parts of her...afterlife? but some of it is like white noise, and he doesn't say anything until he feels like he can without breaking down.]
I'm sorry. For everything I said. [His voice is hoarse, soft, like he's been trying to keep the tears at bay.]
[Her expression softens, but she looks away from him as well.]
Thank you. Your kindness means much to me... But it doesn't matter. What I did isn't something that can be forgiven. And because of that, Abe's words are how I am remembered. My legend is that of a monster who betrayed one who loved her.
[She goes quiet for a moment, before sighing.]
We Heroic Spirits are shaped by the legends told of us, you know? It's not impossible for me to become the legend told about me.
[Were people capable of such cruelty worth protecting and fighting for? Jaune's aware individuals can do terrible things, but those numbers are overwhelming. He doesn't know what to think anymore, but something stands out to him.]
That's not true. My history professor doctor always said that history is up to the victors or whatever. They don't know who you really are. Only you do.
They attacked me, and in my rage, I killed all of them. Eighty thousand lives, Jaune. Is such a genocide something that can be forgiven?
[She shakes her head.]
Your professor is a wise man. But it isn't so simple for we Heroic Spirits. Gods and spirits are shaped by the legends told of us. What people think we are shapes us as much as what we actually are. If it is believed a kind man was a bloodthirsty vampire, then when his soul is summoned, that man will be twisted into the insane vampire he is believed to be.
... I was fortunate. Hakuno is such a kind and wonderful person that she was able to summon the true me, the Tamamo who lived. But a Master less kind might summon the me of legends... One of Japan's Three Great Monsters. So twisted by my legend, and given power by the thousands of years of legend forced upon me, I would be a disaster unlike any other. A monster with the power of the sun, of life and death, with a fate to kill a hundred heroes before being slain.
I don't know. They were attacking you, and they went in knowing some of the would get hurt. So I don't know. I don't know which is the right answer in any of it.
Is that how you met her? [This is all a lot to hear at once. He knows she loves Hakuno, so maybe talking about someone who makes her happy will help a little.]
Did you have a choice to be a Heroic Spirit? [It doesn't sound like the kind of existence he could imagine anyone wanting to have. But maybe it was her best option.]
Yes. I won't give the full details, but she was in danger, so I responded to her desire to live... It was love at first sight. ♥
[He's actually dead-on there, and she perks up considerably.]
I did. I could have kept all of my tails and been a Divine Spirit, but I cut off eight of them, intentionally lowering myself to a Heroic Spirit and limiting myself to those powers, so that I could serve someone once more. Even now, my wish is to be a good wife.
I'm glad you found someone. [What happened was tragic. He can't pretend to understand how she feels and he doesn't know if time makes it easier. He isn't going to invalidate her experiences by trying to be optimistic.
But he is glad she has someone, and that it's healthy. She deserves that.]
Yes. No matter how many tries it takes, even if the Moon, the Earth, and fate itself are all against me, we will have a happy ending!
[She's just. Not going to talk about her first Master. Or that Hakuno here doesn't remember her except as an enemy. Jaune's had enough of her trauma for the night.]
But here I am, going on and on... But, what about you? Is there anyone you have your eye on? A charming singer, or perhaps a gorgeous red-haired girl? Surely a guy like you must have someone you're interested in.
[Screw destiny. Jaune bites his lip, not saying anything for a while. He was happy to have Pyrrha here. He still is, he's just more afraid of losing her. After his argument with Weiss, that night keeps replaying in his head, more than usual. He grips the sides of the bench to give him something solid to feel.]
Tamamo. I need to ask you something. It's about what Weiss said during the camping trip.
The first: If I were to regain my full powers as a goddess, reviving the dead would be no problem. But to regrow eight tails... Around ten thousand years should be enough?
Second, if you can somehow obtain and control Crepe's power. Use the doors, and send her home from here to a point after her death in your world. Make it so she wasn't there to be killed, basically.
[Here is where she looks away, not wanting to meet Jaune's eyes.]
Third... The Holy Grail War. Enter into a tournament and win through it, killing your seven enemies with your own hands, and obtain the all-powerful machine that can grant your wish. Of course, losing would kill you, as well... And worse. Your soul itself is deleted, never moving on.
Fourth, for Weiss to kill her and summon her. She could become an existence like myself, a summoned Servant, a spirit called to serve.
... Fifth, to kill Crepe. Without her, her power goes away. Without her power, no one here may ever go home... And that means Pyrrha will never return to be killed. You can have a life here, free of that danger.
[He leans forward, processing this information. She's right. None of the options sound particularly promising, but...]
I don't have ten thousand years. Pyrrha would never forgive me, or herself if I killed someone like Crepe for her. She's just some innocent person and it's thanks to her we're here. I couldn't.
... I'm not sure if you can. I don't know if your world has anything like the Moon Cell, after all. If this world has one, I have yet to find it.
You send your soul into the Moon Cell computer, and undergo the preliminaries, where those who fail are deleted. Those who succeed fight in a seven-week tournament, where the losers are deleted. You understand this, don't you? You will have to kill seven people, or be killed yourself.
...I know. But they all enter voluntarily, don't they? If we're all aware of the risks, then we have our own reasons for fighting.
[His voice is soft, lacking inflection, but there's a surge of emotion as he stands up to give himself some space.]
You don't get it. What happened that night could have been avoided, it shouldn't have happened. But it did. And then we ended up here, where things are safer and where we don't have to live in fear. I won't waste this chance, even if I have to be the enemy, even if Weiss ends up hating me and Pyrrha doesn't like it. We're finally together. Someone has to make sure it stays that way.
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When I was eighteen, I was brought to Emperor Toba's court. Well, he had retired, so the real emperor was his son, Konoe, but since Konoe was so young, Toba had the real power... Ah, but you don't need to care about the politics.
Emperor Toba had heard about me, you see. I'd already built up a reputation! He called for a poetry recital, and... Well, there was some incidents, but I impressed him. In fact, I wowed him so much that he gave me a new name, and made me his personal consort. No longer Mizukume, I had been named Tamamo-no-Mae, and was serving the Emperor himself. It was love at first sight for both of us, it seemed.
... I spent about a year that way. I was foolishly in love, and he loved me as well. There was always some political problems, of course, Toba always had a habit of doting too much on those he cared for, and giving little attention to those he didn't. But it didn't concern me, since I was part of the first group. As his consort, as a courtesan, I polished my skills and knowledge, until I was the center of it all... I especially liked our talks on philosophy. It was so much fun to turn everyone's expectations and preconceptions on their heads, you know?
[She takes a drink herself, steeling herself for the next part, but her voice doesn't waver.]
Then, one day, I woke up, and realized my head felt... heavier. I had grown these adorable fuzzy ears, and didn't understand it.
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He feels a deep sinking feeling when she talks about the ears and buries his face in his palms.]
What did you do? Were they mean about it?
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... It was around the time I discovered my ears that Emperor Toba fell ill. So, since I became so withdrawn at the same time... Well, everyone assumed I was just upset that Toba wasn't around. And they weren't wrong, exactly, you know? At a moment like that, all anyone would want would be to be comforted by their love, right? But without him around, I hid it, telling no one.
[She laughs a little, hiding her nervousness with a smile. It's hard to talk about what happened next, but she owes it to Jaune after jerking him around so much.]
But a month passed like that, and Emperor Toba wasn't getting any better. So they called a diviner in, to determine the source of his illness.
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But no happy endings begin with anyone falling ill. He looks like he's trying very hard to not look upset and worried, but is failing.]
What was the source? [Please don't say herself please don't say herself.]
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But she doesn't dwell on that right now.]
The true source was that he was human. Humans are beings that fall ill. That is simply a fact of life.
... But it didn't matter. Because that man... Abe no Seimei, the diviner, appeared. He was gorgeous, but his soul as as black as the underworld... He was a half-fox himself, so he was able to easily expose my identity. He showed my ears to them all, and decried me as the source of the illness, that I was a fox demon... Man, what an uproar that was! I had to escape in a hurry after that.
[She laughs about it now, but at the time, she was terrified. Scared, confused, and alone, suddenly no longer human, waiting and afraid of being found out, and never being able to escape this nightmare... Her prayers were never answered. And then, she was exposed.]
I fled all the way to Nasu. There, all the foxes gathered around me, trying to be comforting... "You've come a long way", "what a rough journey you've had", things like that. I'm grateful for their feelings, but I wish they would have been a little more encouraging... You know, "you'll find a nicer guy soon", something like that? But it was then I remembered everything, and realized who I truly was.
[Her smile, and her cheerful facade, all of it slips for a moment.]
... Truly, I was such a fool.
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Don't say that. [His reply is almost instant.] You weren't a fool. It's not your fault they-- You couldn't have known they would turn on you.
You weren't a fool. They were.
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[Honestly, that's a long and weird story.]
I was. A goddess wishing to serve people? Wishing to become human? It was a foolish notion. Humans don't want either of those things, after all. They desire a far-off idol, that they can push their wishes and blame upon...
[She shakes her head.]
But that is a digression. It was when I tried to rest at the plains of Nasu that the army caught up with me. Eighty thousand soldiers came at me, screaming, "Kill the fox demon!", brandishing all sorts of weapons. I tried to talk and apologize, but no one would listen, so I was all, "All right then, let's do this!", and... Well, I went a little overboard, and killed them all without letting even one escape.
[She grows a bit more melancholy, taking a sip of her wine.]
... I regretted it, of course, almost immediately. And so I stayed there, and when the second army showed up, I tried again to talk it out. I hadn't meant to fool anyone, so just forget about me and I'll leave, I told them... Well, it didn't much matter. It rained arrows for three straight days and nights there. All I could do was stand there.
That was when I realized the true depths of my foolishness... The humans I had admired and wished to be like were so different from what I had imagined. They were hateful, narrow-minded, self-righteous... But at the same time, so fragile and precious. I had been wrong from the beginning, after all. There is no way for a human to become a god... And the opposite is true, too. A god may never become human.
... And so, I obediently let myself be exterminated. At twenty years old, Tamamo-no-Mae was killed screaming, as Miuranosuke's enchanted arrow found my neck.
[Jaune may wish to take notice of that little fur choker she always wears around her neck.]
Well, after that, I was so confused and desperate to not leave the humans I so loved that I ended up haunting a boulder for a while, and the poison of my grudge killed anyone who came near, but that isn't really relevant. A monk named Gennou came by and saved my soul, allowing me to pass on, where the World and the Moon Cell removed my soul from transmigration and set it aside as a Divine Spirit... I intentionally reduced my power by cutting off eight of my tails to be a normal, human-like Heroic Spirit instead, though.
[She's more or less babbling now, just going on to try to lighten the mood from how her story- her life- ended.]
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[The silence on Jaune's end says more than any words could, and he deliberately turns his head so she can't see his face. He wasn't sure what he had imagined when she confessed to killing so many people.
He hadn't imagined a war against one single person because of a stupid misunderstanding. He hadn't imagined this.
Caster doesn't need to see the tears threatening to spill, though it's harder to hide the way he grits his teeth, trying not to acknowledge a deeper, more poisonous anger on her behalf and everyone else who's died who didn't deserve it. He scrubs the heels of his palms to his eyes and slumps, looking like he's doing everything just to hold it together. He still hears parts of her...afterlife? but some of it is like white noise, and he doesn't say anything until he feels like he can without breaking down.]
I'm sorry. For everything I said. [His voice is hoarse, soft, like he's been trying to keep the tears at bay.]
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Thank you. Your kindness means much to me... But it doesn't matter. What I did isn't something that can be forgiven. And because of that, Abe's words are how I am remembered. My legend is that of a monster who betrayed one who loved her.
[She goes quiet for a moment, before sighing.]
We Heroic Spirits are shaped by the legends told of us, you know? It's not impossible for me to become the legend told about me.
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[Were people capable of such cruelty worth protecting and fighting for? Jaune's aware individuals can do terrible things, but those numbers are overwhelming. He doesn't know what to think anymore, but something stands out to him.]
That's not true. My history professor doctor always said that history is up to the victors or whatever. They don't know who you really are. Only you do.
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[She shakes her head.]
Your professor is a wise man. But it isn't so simple for we Heroic Spirits. Gods and spirits are shaped by the legends told of us. What people think we are shapes us as much as what we actually are. If it is believed a kind man was a bloodthirsty vampire, then when his soul is summoned, that man will be twisted into the insane vampire he is believed to be.
... I was fortunate. Hakuno is such a kind and wonderful person that she was able to summon the true me, the Tamamo who lived. But a Master less kind might summon the me of legends... One of Japan's Three Great Monsters. So twisted by my legend, and given power by the thousands of years of legend forced upon me, I would be a disaster unlike any other. A monster with the power of the sun, of life and death, with a fate to kill a hundred heroes before being slain.
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Is that how you met her? [This is all a lot to hear at once. He knows she loves Hakuno, so maybe talking about someone who makes her happy will help a little.]
Did you have a choice to be a Heroic Spirit? [It doesn't sound like the kind of existence he could imagine anyone wanting to have. But maybe it was her best option.]
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[He's actually dead-on there, and she perks up considerably.]
I did. I could have kept all of my tails and been a Divine Spirit, but I cut off eight of them, intentionally lowering myself to a Heroic Spirit and limiting myself to those powers, so that I could serve someone once more. Even now, my wish is to be a good wife.
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I'm glad you found someone. [What happened was tragic. He can't pretend to understand how she feels and he doesn't know if time makes it easier. He isn't going to invalidate her experiences by trying to be optimistic.
But he is glad she has someone, and that it's healthy. She deserves that.]
I'm sure you can.
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Yes. No matter how many tries it takes, even if the Moon, the Earth, and fate itself are all against me, we will have a happy ending!
[She's just. Not going to talk about her first Master. Or that Hakuno here doesn't remember her except as an enemy. Jaune's had enough of her trauma for the night.]
But here I am, going on and on... But, what about you? Is there anyone you have your eye on? A charming singer, or perhaps a gorgeous red-haired girl? Surely a guy like you must have someone you're interested in.
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[Screw destiny. Jaune bites his lip, not saying anything for a while. He was happy to have Pyrrha here. He still is, he's just more afraid of losing her. After his argument with Weiss, that night keeps replaying in his head, more than usual. He grips the sides of the bench to give him something solid to feel.]
Tamamo. I need to ask you something. It's about what Weiss said during the camping trip.
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... Go on.
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Whatever Weiss thinks or says, I have to do this for Pyrrha. I already failed her. I can't risk it if there's a way.
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But you won't like any of them.
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Second, if you can somehow obtain and control Crepe's power. Use the doors, and send her home from here to a point after her death in your world. Make it so she wasn't there to be killed, basically.
[Here is where she looks away, not wanting to meet Jaune's eyes.]
Third... The Holy Grail War. Enter into a tournament and win through it, killing your seven enemies with your own hands, and obtain the all-powerful machine that can grant your wish. Of course, losing would kill you, as well... And worse. Your soul itself is deleted, never moving on.
Fourth, for Weiss to kill her and summon her. She could become an existence like myself, a summoned Servant, a spirit called to serve.
... Fifth, to kill Crepe. Without her, her power goes away. Without her power, no one here may ever go home... And that means Pyrrha will never return to be killed. You can have a life here, free of that danger.
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I don't have ten thousand years. Pyrrha would never forgive me, or herself if I killed someone like Crepe for her. She's just some innocent person and it's thanks to her we're here. I couldn't.
How do I enter the Holy Grail War?
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You send your soul into the Moon Cell computer, and undergo the preliminaries, where those who fail are deleted. Those who succeed fight in a seven-week tournament, where the losers are deleted. You understand this, don't you? You will have to kill seven people, or be killed yourself.
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[His voice is soft, lacking inflection, but there's a surge of emotion as he stands up to give himself some space.]
You don't get it. What happened that night could have been avoided, it shouldn't have happened. But it did. And then we ended up here, where things are safer and where we don't have to live in fear. I won't waste this chance, even if I have to be the enemy, even if Weiss ends up hating me and Pyrrha doesn't like it. We're finally together. Someone has to make sure it stays that way.
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Jaune, please come here for a moment?
[She stands up as well.]
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